|
18 y.o. | |
|
Wishlist
[ ] peace of mind tagboard
affiliates
My Public Blog
My Twitter Page
Mariane
Thea
Isa Fran
Lee
Erika
Pao
Sophie
JoeyG
Lea
Cathy
Armaine
Zars
archives
credits
Design: doughnutcrazy |
cant believe things ended this way
I hate that I miss you.Will blog about the 27th and visiting ADMU and DLSU after watching a few shows. I cant even describe how many different emotions you make me feel at any given moment. You exhilarate me. You make me cry. Do you think I like feeling this way? Of course not. Fuck emotions. I hate that I'm jealous bitch. I hate that I expect a lot from you. I hate that I do so much for you and you don't reciprocate. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK God, help me master my emotions please. Loving someone is a leap of faith and soft landing is never guaranteed. I'm the middle of my jump, the highest point, but I don't know how I can get back to point A. I need to get back to the beginning. I shouldn't have taken have mindlessly frolicked into whatever this is. I see the ending already; it isn't soft. At the end of this, I know you it, you don't know it... but it's heartbreak. don't read too much into this. stop being there when I need you
but when are you ever there?
it's always just another day to you...
The thing is: I think you mean so much more to me than I do to you. It sucks cause we used to have the perfect balance. I know it's my fault and I shouldn't have done this and especially that but you cant blame it all on me. You cant write me letters hoping that that didn't change this when we both know it did. We can't keep pretending and I certainly cannot keep holding on.I want to let go but fuck, you make it so hard. coming home
Last Tuesday, Alisa and I visited WR. I hadn't been to Woodrose since graduation so I didn't really know how to feel or what to expect. I mean, my first visit as a freakin' alumna. I actually went there out of my own free will and there wasn't really anything I had to do there. We first got my transcripts and then we hung around in the faculty room. We talked to MsQ, MamaC and Ginang for a bit. Ginang actually had very funny things to say about my upcoming Spanish adventure. Hahaha. We even ended up going to mass after confession (our original purpose). When we finally left WR, after bugging the WSC, Alisa and I talked about how visiting was actually fun and it felt good. As cliche as it sounds, it was coming home.Today, or rather later, a good number of my friends will be going back to their college lives or starting it. I don't feel like I'm being left behind. Even if when I return from Spain I'll be with a different set of people as batchmates. I don't feel like I'm being left behind even if all my friends are making new ones and I'm just struggling to keep our old friendship alive. This kind of feels like graduation when everyone was crying their eyes out and all I could think of was how ready I was to leave Woodrose. I did high school. I studied and flunked. I procrastinated and worked hard. I made new friends and I lost old ones. I stayed sober and I got drunk. I lived and loved. I loved and lost. I made many mistakes and learned from most of them. I've regretted and and said, carpe fucking diem. I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm not anything. I'm not in college and I'm not in high school. But I don't want to retreat, I just want to keep moving forward. I want something new. Thought if feels like I won't experience anything new since all the stories I've been hearing involve boys, scandals, and infatuation that what anyone older than us would call so high school. I'm not jealous of the new things everyone is going through. I wish everyone luck. But I cant help but think... Crap, I really just cant wait for my escapade to start. over it
whateverDo you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? Nope. What was the last thing you watched on television? Uh, I don't even remember. Will tomorrow be better than today? Yes a lot of people are back tomorrow :) Can you live without your cell phone? Yeah. August :D Why did you cry the last time you did? I'd rather not say. Would you rather fly, drive or travel by train? Fly Are you tan? yeah. Did you cry today? Nope. Who did you last see in person? People at Marga's High School Party... but uh maybe Thea? We went to Mcdo before going home. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Bershka Is there something that reminds you of someone every time you see/hear it? Not really. What were you doing last night at midnight? Hahahaha uh... either talking/dancing/taking shots Can you get over people easily? Not really Could you date someone taller than you? Of course! Did you hug someone today? Well I hugged people at like two am and that was today already. Do you miss the way things used to be? Not really Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yeah. Is your life anything like it was a year ago? Exactly like it. I believe I had a little bit too much fun at Marga's last year too. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? Nope. What holiday is your birthday closest to? Christmas Are you going out of town soon? Perhaps randomly to Kawayan Cove or something If you could change your eye color would you? Not really What are you thinking of doing right now? Cleaning my room How are you? Okay. Whats your ringtone? Uh, this alarm thing. What happened at 10:00 am today? I was still asleep. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Bea A's brother ahaaha Do you ever get good morning texts from anyone? Sometimes Where is your cell phone? Next to me Money or love? Why cant I have both? Do your parents really know you? Yes Do you think people talk about you? Most likely Do you think someone is thinking about you? How should I know? What was the last thing you laughed at? Last night, at the party I was talking about Greece, the country then Blanca is all like GREASE our second year play? How did you wake up this morning? My dad woke me up What were you doing at seven this morning? Sleeping Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes. How many texts are in your inbox? I don't know Is the last person you texted male or female? Female Have you argued with anyone today? Not really. Do you like your life? Sure What are you listening to? Heartless-Kanye West Are you shy? it depends What did you do yesterday? a long long long lunch with the family, played a bit of sims, party of Marga What plans do you have for tomorrow? Spanish wait for the arrival of my mom! Do you have any summer plans yet? Nope Who was the last male you hugged? No idea. Who was the last female you hugged? No idea. I cant remember :| Who was the last male you spoke to before you went to sleep last night? Father. What did you order the last time you had fast food? Fries with oreo and caramel sundae What did your last incoming text message say? What time are you going home? HHAHAHAHA Whens the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone? Three nights ago What's the last movie you watched at home? You've Got Mail Do you think the last person you kissed is nice? No. Who was the last person that called you? Father. Is someone mad at you right now? Probably. Are you friends with the last person you kissed? No Are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends? Do you think love lasts forever? Depends on the kind of love. I love my family FOREVER. :)) Seriously? I don't know what I'm trying to prove anymore. I don't know why I can't get this sandpaper-like feeling off my tongue. Why did my throat burn tonight? i am an idiot but I cant seem to get tired of all my loved ones thinking i am one too... or worse, a failure... maybe even a waste of anything and everything. why why why why why why what I have done you would think I would get used to regret by now. Growing up, you know what cannot be emphasized enough? The same idea is expressed in so many different words: when we're young everything feels like it's the end of the world. I know it's true not only from the books I read but from experience. Every little whispered secret that turned into an opera crushes one's world worse than Katrina hitting New Orleans. One little missing smiley in text or chat is a sign for war. (That's technology for us) And one missing smile does not equate to sympathy but worry over did I do something wrong? Do you see the trend? When we hit our teens we're so caught up in feeling old when we've experienced nothing at all. All we care about is ourselves. Me. Me. Me. All our doubts in this age are trivial matters... only I think we'll only realize it in maybe, five years. I know what's pissing me off right now is fucking stupid but I cant help it that those words that were written about me... sort of immortalize. Will I be remembered as such forever? I care about being thought of like that right now... but when it finally hits me and I grow up, will it even matter? ____ If you notice that there are a lot of errors, I'm sorry. I've never been one to proofread. :| ____ Awesome day with Thea!:D  EPIC FAIL i wont even let my maids enter my room. I've actually been more productive lately with my Spanish homework that actually gets done and the 123123312 charts on the different irregular verbs. So now I'm going to make a to-do list that I HOPE for once in my life I actually accomplish: -make more notes for Spanish -do exercises for er ir and ar -do homework for e-->i -CLEAN MY ROOM -send photos to Thea. Mmm... it feels kind of ambitious to me. Who knows if I'll finish. Whatever I'll "live on the edge" hahaha and give it a try :) actions speak louder than words
Okay, I'm wrong. You do care but not enough to get serious with me and fcking deal with this shit. Perhaps you don't know how to deal with it. After all, it is a rather delicate and awkward... and it's not like you've been through it... you wouldn't know what to say. I would just really like you to try. Or even show a little bit that you do care.
The thing I hate about us the most is the fact that it's okay for you to condemn me when I sin. But when I do such, I'm a bitch. When you're fcking losing your mind over what happened, I'm the one that loses sleep over it. I'm the one thinking of 13123123123442 ways to make you feel better. But you cant even take a minute to get serious with me and talk about the situation. I'm not saying I blame you but every time I think about the last moments I spent with that person I was too dead tired to form coherent sentences. I was so fcking exhausted from telling you in 123125433124 ways to get over it. Shit, that was almost a year ago, and you're still not. It wasn't even worth it. I love you but at that moment... you wasted my fucking time, time I need to get back but cant. I know there is no use crying over spilled milk but I think I will cry over the time I wasted. Not that you care. Okay guys, I have a confession to make. I didn't start on my planner. However, I did dig up this whole weekly Post-It calendar that my mom bought me for senior year. It's desk-size... although, I don't know why they call it desk-size since it's definitely smaller than my table. So I tore a page and stuck it on my wall. I'd take a photo of it... but uh. Maybe next time. I had Spanish and Ortho today. :| Spanish as usual was death and I'm only in the present tense. Shoot me. "Welcome to Goimendi" I have a dorm!!! i dont want to forget
During the schoolyear, I religiously write on my planner. But I don't just jot down when the Economics paper that I'm never going to submit is due, I like to write about dates, events, quotes, random conversations... generally, things I would like to remember forever. However, when the last week of academia rolls around, I just discard of my clanky metal-finish Muji planner. Like I never did write about the tiring two GK days or the surreal feeling of graduating and what I regret the most, my family's ten cities in twenty-five days EuroTrip:|I guess when I get into summer mode, I don't get into updating my planner because I don't really have a boring class to update it in. :| Like, Econ :)) :| Now, I have around three months left of summer... I don't want to waste it and I don't want to forget. With this, I bring out my planner and start updating. I won't remember what the past three months was like in detail but I can remember three months from now what happened today. ____________ I had a Spanish test today. Tita Mamen said I did well but honestly, I know I could've done better... had I not crammed and all that. Tomorrow, I have another intense Spanish class with more irregular verbs. FML ___________ I had dinner with Chris, BeaN, and Mari earlier tonight in Omakase. We ended the night in Starbucks. I cant express how much I've missed people. I hate having to cram two months into a three-hour dinner! I mean, really I am so used to telling people what I did the night before.. THE NEXT DAY. I miss the table. :| I miss PUSO :( The new officers kept tweeting during their meeting and I couldn't help but think of how they're going to make the organization grow and be just so much better without me. I feel like I grew with Puso the past four years, even if I grudgingly wake up at six am on Saturdays... I loved it. It also does not help that I'm talking to Ria now and I ran into Dom earlier today :( Augh sorry for this messy post. I have a lot of things running through my head... and seriously, I'm glad it doesn't involve you for once. |